last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
