all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
