i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
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At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
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Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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