I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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