i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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