I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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