dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
