No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
