My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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