lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
