One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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