you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
