so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
