the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
