Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
