Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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