Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
