GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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