Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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