I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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