you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
