i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
