The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I will die if light touches me.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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