My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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