today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
50% drunk capacity currently
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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