WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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