I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
