I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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