There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize