I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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