Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
