shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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