my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
