"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
