My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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