Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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