alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
