I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
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I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
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ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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