So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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