How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
