Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
