On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
