i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
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