Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
