Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
