im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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