If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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