Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
