please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
