in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.