Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
