I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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