hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
